Wednesday, 1 January 2014


Way to start a new year, by being full-blown depressed and shit. Great right? Well it's not like there's anyone reading this shit anyway, so fuck it.

It started getting worse since yesterday, around New Year's Eve. For some reason I started feeling rather lonely, then tired, unmotivated. Couldn't even finished a picture which should have been done for X-mas because I was being so fucking unmotivated and lazy. Then looking at ppl's art summary even made it worse because I just can't make anything useful. Yeah some would say don't push too hard but I can't just be a fucking ignorant and think highly on all the shit I've made, because they're really shit. Watching ppl enjoying the night even made it worse because I couldn't do the same, even though I tried, I really tried. I just didn't know how or why. Then I got really tired and crashed into bed at midnight.

So I decided to start a new day with a small gaming session with the game that I always have trouble playing: The Witcher. It's like the 10th time that I tried to play the game. And as usual, I can never sit for over 30 minutes. I don't know why but there's something about the game that I just cannot get. Every time I play it, it feels like I'm getting some sort of emotional abuse. I have read guides, browse for threads and reasons/tips on how to enjoy TW1 but they never seem to work for me. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I loved Morrowind and Dragon Age: Origins, how come I can't enjoy this one. I've heard good things about TW series and what CDProjektRed is doing, but I just can't get this. Some would say "stop playing then" but then I'll get tortured by my own fucking brain over the things that I "hear" in my head, like I just fucking sucks and cannot value great games, piece of shit etc etc.. I don't want to give up but it just feels so fucking horrible trying to do something like this.

Right now I'm feeling terrified over everything around me. Every time someone stands behind me, I get the feeling like they're looking at the laptop's screen, laughing at me or mocking me for being such a shit head. I know it's not real, but I can't help it when I keep seeing and hearing things all over. I just want to be put in a box, with no one inside, just me and me alone, no sound, no light, no air.

I just want this to be over.. I wish if I can just die and make ppl happy about it.

So I have survived 2013, now onto 2014. Another torture session begins.

Please, make it stop. Because I can't.


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