Friday, 26 October 2012

I tried..

but I still failed in the end. Tried my best to study, to keep calm and not to overthinking about the upcoming test, only to found out that I've lost the ID and was unable to get in the test room. When I set foot out of the house, I knew that things might have already been over since I couldn't find the ID, but I still hoped that maybe I could ask the student counselor.. but it's just a hopeless thought to comfort myself when my legs were screaming in pain cause I've been running for awhile.

There are just so many reasons that bug the shit out of me. First, I didn't even ask for this course, it was parents' doing. I'm neither good nor interested in programming but my parents just "force" me into this course, paid lots of money for it. And that put a huge toll on my back, like if I fail, I will waste their "investment" on me. Also it was my fucking guilt trip, the annoying thought in my head that kept making me feel sorry for them, the "ohhh but you're their only son, they're old, make them happy, you've been such a bad person for awhile now". I just don't know what to do anymore. They expect too much from me, I tried explaining how hard it is for me to do this with my bipolar disorder but they just didn't want to accept it, and my guilt trip didn't help me much either.

Then it was the feeling of failing someone close to you. My boyfriend was in the similar situation but he managed to succeed. I was so happy when I heard that, he had overcame that problem by himself. And when it comes to my turn.. my face just met the ground. I know he didn't expect much from me but his kind words like wishing me luck just like I did, it just tore me apart when I couldn't made it through. I know there's nothing to be sorry for that but.. these feelings and thoughts, they just don't leave me alone at all.

Overall, I'm just hitting this hard point of my life, again. I just don't know what to do. I can't count on my parents since they wouldn't listen to my reasons. I don't want to bug my bf cause he has been doing things so well by himself, I don't want to make his life any worse by putting my troubles on him. I don't really have anyone that I can share this to, it's just me.. only me. My depression is getting worse and worse and I don't know how bad can it gets. Two things I'm sure of: I will be inactive for several days and I'll lose a lot of weight.


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